It's Not Fair

Isaiah 52:13-53:12

Familiar verses and the cornerstone of what Christians believe.  As Isaiah prophecies Jesus' death proclaiming, "He was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." 

"To be broken to pieces, bruised, crushed...the most severe inward and outward sufferings. The meaning is, that he was under such a weight of sorrows on account of our sins, that he was, as it were, crushed to the earth." bible.cc/isaiah/35-5.htm

The sum of all our sins, from every one of us, heaped on Jesus in his mortal state at once.  Can you imagine? Verse 12 goes on to say, "he will divide the spoils with the strong."  The King shares his spoils of victory with us - those whose sins crushed Him.

My study challenges me to live with the thought that "Jesus died without a thought for his own welfare...Try living that selflessly a few minutes at a time."  I'm not sure I do much of anything selflessly.  I mean, think about it - almost everything we do benefits us in some way, right?  And I don't know about you, but when I'm not treated fairly, somebody is going to hear about it.

Fairness.

That's hilarious when juxtapose the notion with Christ's death.  What if for a small moment today we stop being obsessed with fairness?  What would that look like for you?  Our culture is obsessed with fairness.

But, it's not fair that He died for my sins when He didn't deserve it.

It's just not fair.

Relying on Horses

Isaiah 31

"Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses..."

Egypt was strong and known for their military defense.  Having many horses and chariots meant that they had a strong military.  As Israel sought to arm themselves with what seemed like the smart thing to do - to go seek help from Egypt, God warns that they, "do not look to the Holy One of Israel or seek help from the Lord," and He reminds them that, "the Egyptians are men and not God; their horses flesh and not spirit."


Oh, how relevant this is for me right now.   I am majorly struggling with God's sovereignty.  On some level, I really do get it.  But on a much deeper, more meaningful level - the level in which I must function on a day to day basis, I do not get it at all.   Despite all that God has saved me from, the events of my life and those around me that are nothing short of miracles - I still struggle with understanding that He is in charge.  He's got this.

See, my tendency is to take control.  It's rooted in a traumatic childhood.  Some sort of protection that I developed long ago.  When things don't seem like they are working out, I panic - fight or flight kicks in.  And to save myself, I try to control the variables of the situation.

God is actively working to save me from this "horse" of control.  It's incredibly painful.  I cannot fully express how unhappy I've been feeling all of the sudden.  Just this apathy and begrudging attitude about life.  I know He is changing me - it just doesn't always feel good.  The truth is, though, that I see the clouds breaking.  That's the active part of God's word.  When I'm in the Bible, when I seek Truth, the apathy starts melting.  It's not gone, I'll admit.  But I know and believe and trust that He's not done and this is for my good.

Why do we only turn to God for help as a last resort?

What are your horses?

In Crisis Mode

It's been a rough few days.  I suspect that I am in an intense time of discipline and refinement by our Lord and Savior.  This is not an easy time, and it's taken me a few days to even to open my Bible because I've been quite angry with Him.  I know we aren't supposed to admit that, but I am going to.  I fully expect that He will use my disobedience to His glory.  

I will give just a bit of back story - only because I vowed to be transparent on here...  God presented a challenge to me in terms of my prayer life.  It was simple, really - to pray with hope and expectation.  I honestly thought I was doing that, but it turns out that I was really off base.   I prayed my prayers in a new way.  I asked for what I wanted - with specifics.  This weekend I prayed and He didn't answer.  At least now how I thought He should or how I wanted.  And it made me question everything.  I felt abandoned.  I felt foolish.  I was angry.

And now I'm here.  A little more clarity, but definitely not at a place that I feel at peace.  He's refining me.  For me, it's about control and protection.  In an effort to protect myself, I control everything - including Him.  (Well, I know I can't control God, but I've been trying.)  In my mind, if I didn't pray for specifics, I was safe from Him not answering the way I wanted Him to.  Does that make sense?  Essentially, I've been keeping God in a box.  My box.  I have been existing in my little box of control and God is attempting to pry the door open.  As the breeze drifts in, I am utterly shaken to my core.  To say I'm scared is an understatement.  I feel exposed.  Vulnerable.  He is completely redefining who He is to me - a necessary change if I want to continue growing in Him.

So, right now, I'm wrestling with His love and what that looks like.  I'm learning to trust Him - really trust Him - with my desires.  And I'm learning that His sovereignty trumps my control, whether or not I like it.

Hard lessons.  

To be continued...

Hebrews 12:5-11

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.  Endure hardship as discipline: God is treating you as sons.  For what son is not disciplined by his father?  If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it.  How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!  Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Trial by Fire

Isaiah 6

Isaiah experiences an incredible encounter with the Lord in this chapter.  God fills the temple where he is and the room trembles with His mightiness.  Isaiah, though a righteous man, is convicted of his filthiness in comparison to God's glory.  One of the angels uses tongs to retrieve a burning coal and touches it to Isaiah's lips.  God then asks "Whom shall I send?  And who will go for us?"  Isaiah volunteers enthusiastically.

I am moved by Spurgeon's response to this heavenly interaction.  "Jehovah, who is a consuming fire, can only fitly be served by those who are on fire, whether they be angels or men."  The thought that God wants to purify us and use us completely humbles me.  My study today challenges me to invite God to burn into the sensitive areas of my life so that I can serve Him more effectively.  I know that my mouth is a pitfall for me a lot of the time.  James 3:6 says, "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."  This is true for me.  I have a big mouth.  I speak before I think and it's a major area of my life that needs to be cleansed.  Oh, to have that burning coal on my own lips... Wouldn't it be worth it, though; to be purified with the reward of being God's servant?

I also think it's interesting that God asks for volunteers to go do his work.  He could so easily just make Isaiah do whatever He wanted.  But I think it speaks to the heart of who God is that He wants us to desire to do His work; to be a willing servant.  



Father God, I'm afraid to ask to be purified, but I want to be used by you.  I want to be your servant!  Will you tame my tongue?  Will you change me?  And then send me!  Like Isaiah, here I am!  Use me!

Aching for Agape

Song of Songs 6-8

Love.  It's complicated, multifaceted.

I'm doing the Beth Moore study, Living Beyond Yourself, which is an in-depth look at the fruit of the Spirit.  Last week, I learned about the different kinds of love the Bible refers to.  Here is a very quick recap:

Eros - selfish love; "what can I get for myself?"; associated with sexual love

Philos - friend love; Luke 14:10, Luke 15:8-9, Luke 21:16, Luke 23:8-12; placed in high personal position; shared experiences; capable of betrayal

Agape - divine love; flows from what is right and best; not as much of a feeling as it is a response; fueled by need rather than desire; John 3:16, Galations 5:22; 1 Corinthians 13:1-3



Song of Songs 8:6 stands out to me today:
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

My study Bible explains that seals were precious to their owners.  They wore seals in a small cylinder around their necks and used them to sign clay documents.  This scripture suggests sexual fidelity since jealousy is mentioned.

Song of Songs 6:3 also stands out:
I am my lover's and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies.

I think these verses are so beautiful.  I am Justin's and Justin is mine.  We are faithful to each other.  Our love is strong because God has ordained it!  It can sustain through the flames.

Marriage equality has been stirring up a firestorm on social media these past few days... As usual, I have stayed quiet.  I love Jesus.  I want to show others His love.  I want people to experience the awesome freedom that I have in Christ.  I have no clue if that means I'm for or against gay marriage.  Does it matter to you if I'm for or against it?  Sharing my story matters to me.

I love that God uses my marriage to show us His dedication.  My past left a lot of scars that I think still come up from time to time.  As far back as I can remember, I looked to guys to give me a sense of self. I later learned that was "co-dependency" or "addiction to love."  I spent many of my adult years seeking out agape through eros.  It never satisfied.  I tolerated verbal and emotional abuse from one broken man to the next.  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.  If that's the case, I was certifiable!  Let me tell you, it felt like there was no end to the pain and emptiness of my youth.  Not knowing God's love left a hole that nothing could fill; though, I tried filling it with everything I could muster.  I guess that is why I think it's important not to judge those that don't look like "good Christians."  It wasn't that long ago that I wasn't a "good Christian."  Truth is, I'm still not.  I will never be "good."  Neither will you.  I ache for people who don't know the freedom in Jesus.  It's lonely, y'all.  If you don't know it for yourself, take it from me.  The ONLY way to peace is Him.  Otherwise, it's one drink, cigarette, hit, pill, shopping trip, late work night, relationship, gambling bet, (the list goes on and on) after another to try to fill that void!  We have to empathize and love on people.  Meet them where they are and tell them that Jesus is the way out!  But we will never have that opportunity as long as we stand on our podiums and preach down.  Relationship building is key.  Relating involves being transparent.  Relating involves loving in spite of our differences.

Love Story

Song of Songs 4

I've read this book of the Bible on a number of occasions, but never with the notion that this is God's love story for me.  My study challenges me to consider that God treasures me; that He can't take His eyes off of me.

My reaction? Straight away, I have a difficult time with it.  I see myself in God's eyes as sinful, wretched, and broken.  It's so difficult for me to realize that because of Christs' sacrifice, I am washed clean.  It's a baffling concept - that the God of the universe, our Creator, cherishes me (and you, for that matter).



Dear God,
I am struggling today with your forgiveness.  I cannot grasp the fact that I don't have to live in bondage; that my debt has been paid.  I get it on a brain level, but my heart is confused.  Help me, please.  Help me to sink in to Your comfort and rest.  I want to live in the freedom that Jesus suffered for.  Instead of lugging this anxious load around, I want to lay it down and let You carry me.

Psalm 116:7-14
Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, 
that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
I trusted in the Lord when I said, "I am greatly afflicted"; 
in my alarm I said, "Everyone is a liar."
What shall I return to the Lord for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of al his people.

The Redefinition of Beautiful

Song of Songs 1:5-2:2

The age old problem with self-esteem.

The conversation here between the beloved and the lover begins with the woman telling the man how embarrassed of her skin tone she is.   It's both sad and comforting to me to know that women have been worried about their looks for all ages.   At least it's not just me... But then again, what a pitiful thing for us all to struggle with.

And God has an opinion about us.

Song of Solomon 4:7  You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

Psalm 139:13-14  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

1 Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Genesis 1:27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

We could go on all day...

I suppose finding your image, value, and self-worth in Christ Jesus is the answer to our society's dilemma of negative self image.  Even as I type this, though, it's so hard for me to accept.  For so long I have struggled with who I am, especially with the way I look.  I learned that when I look cute, if I wear the right clothes or weigh the right amount, I feel better.  I feel better because I better fit society's definition of what I should be.

In 2010 I was the thinnest, tannest, blondest I had ever been...  With the wedding and honeymoon arriving, I was obsessed with being thin.  To the point where I was essentially living off of coffee.  It's hard for me to look at the pictures from my honeymoon because I long to look like that again.  But when I remember how I felt, I know it's not worth it.  I was sick as a dog because my body was not used to eating... I was miserable!

I'm happier and more full of joy now than I've ever been in my whole life!  Body image is a constant struggle for me, though.  For now, all I know to do is to keep bathing my mind in His Word!!!! I have to find the truth of who I am in Him.  It's an ongoing battle.