It's Not Fair

Isaiah 52:13-53:12

Familiar verses and the cornerstone of what Christians believe.  As Isaiah prophecies Jesus' death proclaiming, "He was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." 

"To be broken to pieces, bruised, crushed...the most severe inward and outward sufferings. The meaning is, that he was under such a weight of sorrows on account of our sins, that he was, as it were, crushed to the earth." bible.cc/isaiah/35-5.htm

The sum of all our sins, from every one of us, heaped on Jesus in his mortal state at once.  Can you imagine? Verse 12 goes on to say, "he will divide the spoils with the strong."  The King shares his spoils of victory with us - those whose sins crushed Him.

My study challenges me to live with the thought that "Jesus died without a thought for his own welfare...Try living that selflessly a few minutes at a time."  I'm not sure I do much of anything selflessly.  I mean, think about it - almost everything we do benefits us in some way, right?  And I don't know about you, but when I'm not treated fairly, somebody is going to hear about it.

Fairness.

That's hilarious when juxtapose the notion with Christ's death.  What if for a small moment today we stop being obsessed with fairness?  What would that look like for you?  Our culture is obsessed with fairness.

But, it's not fair that He died for my sins when He didn't deserve it.

It's just not fair.

Relying on Horses

Isaiah 31

"Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses..."

Egypt was strong and known for their military defense.  Having many horses and chariots meant that they had a strong military.  As Israel sought to arm themselves with what seemed like the smart thing to do - to go seek help from Egypt, God warns that they, "do not look to the Holy One of Israel or seek help from the Lord," and He reminds them that, "the Egyptians are men and not God; their horses flesh and not spirit."


Oh, how relevant this is for me right now.   I am majorly struggling with God's sovereignty.  On some level, I really do get it.  But on a much deeper, more meaningful level - the level in which I must function on a day to day basis, I do not get it at all.   Despite all that God has saved me from, the events of my life and those around me that are nothing short of miracles - I still struggle with understanding that He is in charge.  He's got this.

See, my tendency is to take control.  It's rooted in a traumatic childhood.  Some sort of protection that I developed long ago.  When things don't seem like they are working out, I panic - fight or flight kicks in.  And to save myself, I try to control the variables of the situation.

God is actively working to save me from this "horse" of control.  It's incredibly painful.  I cannot fully express how unhappy I've been feeling all of the sudden.  Just this apathy and begrudging attitude about life.  I know He is changing me - it just doesn't always feel good.  The truth is, though, that I see the clouds breaking.  That's the active part of God's word.  When I'm in the Bible, when I seek Truth, the apathy starts melting.  It's not gone, I'll admit.  But I know and believe and trust that He's not done and this is for my good.

Why do we only turn to God for help as a last resort?

What are your horses?

In Crisis Mode

It's been a rough few days.  I suspect that I am in an intense time of discipline and refinement by our Lord and Savior.  This is not an easy time, and it's taken me a few days to even to open my Bible because I've been quite angry with Him.  I know we aren't supposed to admit that, but I am going to.  I fully expect that He will use my disobedience to His glory.  

I will give just a bit of back story - only because I vowed to be transparent on here...  God presented a challenge to me in terms of my prayer life.  It was simple, really - to pray with hope and expectation.  I honestly thought I was doing that, but it turns out that I was really off base.   I prayed my prayers in a new way.  I asked for what I wanted - with specifics.  This weekend I prayed and He didn't answer.  At least now how I thought He should or how I wanted.  And it made me question everything.  I felt abandoned.  I felt foolish.  I was angry.

And now I'm here.  A little more clarity, but definitely not at a place that I feel at peace.  He's refining me.  For me, it's about control and protection.  In an effort to protect myself, I control everything - including Him.  (Well, I know I can't control God, but I've been trying.)  In my mind, if I didn't pray for specifics, I was safe from Him not answering the way I wanted Him to.  Does that make sense?  Essentially, I've been keeping God in a box.  My box.  I have been existing in my little box of control and God is attempting to pry the door open.  As the breeze drifts in, I am utterly shaken to my core.  To say I'm scared is an understatement.  I feel exposed.  Vulnerable.  He is completely redefining who He is to me - a necessary change if I want to continue growing in Him.

So, right now, I'm wrestling with His love and what that looks like.  I'm learning to trust Him - really trust Him - with my desires.  And I'm learning that His sovereignty trumps my control, whether or not I like it.

Hard lessons.  

To be continued...

Hebrews 12:5-11

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.  Endure hardship as discipline: God is treating you as sons.  For what son is not disciplined by his father?  If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it.  How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!  Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Trial by Fire

Isaiah 6

Isaiah experiences an incredible encounter with the Lord in this chapter.  God fills the temple where he is and the room trembles with His mightiness.  Isaiah, though a righteous man, is convicted of his filthiness in comparison to God's glory.  One of the angels uses tongs to retrieve a burning coal and touches it to Isaiah's lips.  God then asks "Whom shall I send?  And who will go for us?"  Isaiah volunteers enthusiastically.

I am moved by Spurgeon's response to this heavenly interaction.  "Jehovah, who is a consuming fire, can only fitly be served by those who are on fire, whether they be angels or men."  The thought that God wants to purify us and use us completely humbles me.  My study today challenges me to invite God to burn into the sensitive areas of my life so that I can serve Him more effectively.  I know that my mouth is a pitfall for me a lot of the time.  James 3:6 says, "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."  This is true for me.  I have a big mouth.  I speak before I think and it's a major area of my life that needs to be cleansed.  Oh, to have that burning coal on my own lips... Wouldn't it be worth it, though; to be purified with the reward of being God's servant?

I also think it's interesting that God asks for volunteers to go do his work.  He could so easily just make Isaiah do whatever He wanted.  But I think it speaks to the heart of who God is that He wants us to desire to do His work; to be a willing servant.  



Father God, I'm afraid to ask to be purified, but I want to be used by you.  I want to be your servant!  Will you tame my tongue?  Will you change me?  And then send me!  Like Isaiah, here I am!  Use me!

Aching for Agape

Song of Songs 6-8

Love.  It's complicated, multifaceted.

I'm doing the Beth Moore study, Living Beyond Yourself, which is an in-depth look at the fruit of the Spirit.  Last week, I learned about the different kinds of love the Bible refers to.  Here is a very quick recap:

Eros - selfish love; "what can I get for myself?"; associated with sexual love

Philos - friend love; Luke 14:10, Luke 15:8-9, Luke 21:16, Luke 23:8-12; placed in high personal position; shared experiences; capable of betrayal

Agape - divine love; flows from what is right and best; not as much of a feeling as it is a response; fueled by need rather than desire; John 3:16, Galations 5:22; 1 Corinthians 13:1-3



Song of Songs 8:6 stands out to me today:
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

My study Bible explains that seals were precious to their owners.  They wore seals in a small cylinder around their necks and used them to sign clay documents.  This scripture suggests sexual fidelity since jealousy is mentioned.

Song of Songs 6:3 also stands out:
I am my lover's and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies.

I think these verses are so beautiful.  I am Justin's and Justin is mine.  We are faithful to each other.  Our love is strong because God has ordained it!  It can sustain through the flames.

Marriage equality has been stirring up a firestorm on social media these past few days... As usual, I have stayed quiet.  I love Jesus.  I want to show others His love.  I want people to experience the awesome freedom that I have in Christ.  I have no clue if that means I'm for or against gay marriage.  Does it matter to you if I'm for or against it?  Sharing my story matters to me.

I love that God uses my marriage to show us His dedication.  My past left a lot of scars that I think still come up from time to time.  As far back as I can remember, I looked to guys to give me a sense of self. I later learned that was "co-dependency" or "addiction to love."  I spent many of my adult years seeking out agape through eros.  It never satisfied.  I tolerated verbal and emotional abuse from one broken man to the next.  They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.  If that's the case, I was certifiable!  Let me tell you, it felt like there was no end to the pain and emptiness of my youth.  Not knowing God's love left a hole that nothing could fill; though, I tried filling it with everything I could muster.  I guess that is why I think it's important not to judge those that don't look like "good Christians."  It wasn't that long ago that I wasn't a "good Christian."  Truth is, I'm still not.  I will never be "good."  Neither will you.  I ache for people who don't know the freedom in Jesus.  It's lonely, y'all.  If you don't know it for yourself, take it from me.  The ONLY way to peace is Him.  Otherwise, it's one drink, cigarette, hit, pill, shopping trip, late work night, relationship, gambling bet, (the list goes on and on) after another to try to fill that void!  We have to empathize and love on people.  Meet them where they are and tell them that Jesus is the way out!  But we will never have that opportunity as long as we stand on our podiums and preach down.  Relationship building is key.  Relating involves being transparent.  Relating involves loving in spite of our differences.

Love Story

Song of Songs 4

I've read this book of the Bible on a number of occasions, but never with the notion that this is God's love story for me.  My study challenges me to consider that God treasures me; that He can't take His eyes off of me.

My reaction? Straight away, I have a difficult time with it.  I see myself in God's eyes as sinful, wretched, and broken.  It's so difficult for me to realize that because of Christs' sacrifice, I am washed clean.  It's a baffling concept - that the God of the universe, our Creator, cherishes me (and you, for that matter).



Dear God,
I am struggling today with your forgiveness.  I cannot grasp the fact that I don't have to live in bondage; that my debt has been paid.  I get it on a brain level, but my heart is confused.  Help me, please.  Help me to sink in to Your comfort and rest.  I want to live in the freedom that Jesus suffered for.  Instead of lugging this anxious load around, I want to lay it down and let You carry me.

Psalm 116:7-14
Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, 
that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
I trusted in the Lord when I said, "I am greatly afflicted"; 
in my alarm I said, "Everyone is a liar."
What shall I return to the Lord for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of al his people.

The Redefinition of Beautiful

Song of Songs 1:5-2:2

The age old problem with self-esteem.

The conversation here between the beloved and the lover begins with the woman telling the man how embarrassed of her skin tone she is.   It's both sad and comforting to me to know that women have been worried about their looks for all ages.   At least it's not just me... But then again, what a pitiful thing for us all to struggle with.

And God has an opinion about us.

Song of Solomon 4:7  You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

Psalm 139:13-14  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

1 Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Genesis 1:27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

We could go on all day...

I suppose finding your image, value, and self-worth in Christ Jesus is the answer to our society's dilemma of negative self image.  Even as I type this, though, it's so hard for me to accept.  For so long I have struggled with who I am, especially with the way I look.  I learned that when I look cute, if I wear the right clothes or weigh the right amount, I feel better.  I feel better because I better fit society's definition of what I should be.

In 2010 I was the thinnest, tannest, blondest I had ever been...  With the wedding and honeymoon arriving, I was obsessed with being thin.  To the point where I was essentially living off of coffee.  It's hard for me to look at the pictures from my honeymoon because I long to look like that again.  But when I remember how I felt, I know it's not worth it.  I was sick as a dog because my body was not used to eating... I was miserable!

I'm happier and more full of joy now than I've ever been in my whole life!  Body image is a constant struggle for me, though.  For now, all I know to do is to keep bathing my mind in His Word!!!! I have to find the truth of who I am in Him.  It's an ongoing battle.

Past, Present, Future

Ecclesiastes 11:7-12:8

My heart is broken in a million pieces this morning.  My tiny baby is about to turn one and despite my earnest efforts of perspective, I am just so sad.  Infant-hood, in all its cliche, flew by.  It's hitting me that life has officially hit fast forward and there is nothing I can do.  I keep pushing pause, but it appears that the batteries are dead or something.  The dang remote isn't working!  *sigh*

In true God-fashion, Holden's growing is juxtaposed against my father's aging.  As I'm watching Holden get stronger every day, I am witnessing my dad grow weaker.  Holden is learning to walk and daddy requires more and more assistance just to move his feet off the ground.  To say this season of my life is difficult isn't entirely accurate though.  On one hand, I am more full of joy and peace than I've ever been.  I have to attribute this to an increased awareness of God and consistent prayer and Bible study.  But it is true, also, that I am struggling greatly with the progressive decline of my daddy.   It's so incredibly hard to see our relationship change.  He has always been my rock, my rescuer.  Now, it's like I don't even know him anymore.  I want to blame it on Parkinson's.  I want to hate the disease.

Obviously, my reading in Ecclesiastes is no coincidence.  Shameless plug for God's omniscience.

Though I find the author of Ecclesiastes to be quite cynical, he has a point.  I see my daddy struggling in his old age with the, "days of trouble." (Ecc. 12:1)  The visualization of the strong men stooping (vs 3) matches perfectly with dad's posture as he continues to struggle to stand upright.  The chapter goes on to describe aging, coming to the conclusion that life is meaningless.   Vain, futile, pointless...  Gill's exposition of the Bible asserts that the wise man set out in the beginning of the book of Ecclesiastes to prove that wisdom, wealth, honors, pleasures, profit, happiness, things "under the sun" are meaningless.  Everything in life is meaningless.  Happiness lies not in things of this world, but in the knowledge and fear of God, alone.

After my frustration with the cynical tone of the book of Ecclesiastes, I think I get it.  Especially when the truth of my own life's circumstances are held up to the wise man's tests.  No matter how much I try to be present with Holden... Even if I am able to get my dad the best of the best physical therapy... At the end of the day, this life is a breath.  It will pass.  Quickly.  He sums up the book of Ecclesiastes with wisdom tantamount to God's revelation in verses 13-14:

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.  For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.

That's it.  Fear God and keep his commandments.  There is no use mourning Holden's infancy. There's no point in missing the daddy of my youth.  We are here - now.  And God is ever-present!  That's the good news!   I hope to fix my eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith and consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart.  (Hebrews 12: 2-3)

Right Next Door

Ecclesiastes 9

Shoo wee, Ecclesiastes has been throwing me for a loop!  The Teacher (presumably Solomon) is such a skeptic.  No doubt, his words must ring true to so many unbelievers these days.  To sum up and paraphrase his thoughts in this chapter, I think it's fair to say he is asserting that one should eat, drink and be merry as long as you can because you're just going to die anyway.  Honestly, as I read his thoughts, I just feel sad.  There is no joy, no hope, no promise of anything more...  The thought that there is just an empty, dark hole in the ground beckoning you - awaiting the moment you enter to be no more, to be forgotten; the end of your futile life - what sadness that brings me.

1 Corinthians 15:16-19 "For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either.  And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost.  If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied."

1 Corinthians 15:57, 58b "But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ...  You know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

For that person who has a longing deep in his soul... a yearning for more than incessant laboring in vain; hear me when I say that there is more!  Friend, there is more glory and peace than I could ever tell you in Christ Jesus!  Blessed freedom from the oppression of endless toil!  I encourage you to take hope and allow yourself to listen to that yearning in your soul.  Today, truly I pray for you.  I hope beyond hopes that you will accept God's calling on your heart.  I hope you can yoke up to Him who loves you and gives you hope for a good future.

For those that know Christ Jesus and who live in Him, I pray today that you are burdened for those that don't know Him.  I am so guilty of assuming that this is another world problem.  I am telling you that people are lost all around us - and I think it's important to be burdened and not self-righteous.   To engage in arguments and political banter is not the way to love.  Can we agree that to "be the church" we must emulate Christ?  Build relationships.  Get to know people instead of pushing tracts or talking down to them.  Share your struggles instead of painting a picture perfect life.  Share, also, how you rely on Him to get you through the impossible days... and the not so impossible ones.  How redirecting to the Greater keeps the focus off the lesser.   I don't think isolating ourselves is the answer, either; especially when we bubble together out of fear.  God lives in you, sweet friend - so when you fall short, He's right there to be the words you don't have.  He can bridge the gap to relate when you think you've got nothing in common.  Trust Him.  Lean in.  Pray.  Ask.  Listen.  Obey.

Today I Don't Get It

Ecclesiastes 6

I'm going to be totally honest here - that was my intent at the start of this whole thing.  Last night I had a major revelation about a deep spiritual need in my life.  I don't yet have the right words to quantify what it is to you.  I have some misguided understanding of love, I think.  I have a really hard time with humility and the thought of being "slow to anger" is so foreign to me that you might as well say those words in another language.  I get the feeling this will be a process for God to shed some light on this dark part of my heart.  But I'm a go-getter.  I recognize a need and I want to get to work - immediately!  So I really wanted my study today to be about that issue.  But that's not what I'm getting and I'm confused.

As I read this passage today, I related to the idea that most of what we pursue on earth is meaningless chasing of the wind.  As a society, the things we put most of our money, time, effort and talents into don't amount to much.  The notion that living for God is of utmost importance is not a novel concept to me.  I get it.

So today, I don't have a pretty bow to wrap this entry up in.  I guess that's part of being authentic with you - even though I desperately want to convey how intensely God moves in my life, there are days when I don't get it.  I think I know what is best for me and He has a different plan in mind.  Today I practice hope and trust in Him.  I fully expect that He will change my heart and loves me enough to send all the right resources my way.

Two

Ecclesiastes 4:9-16

A little girl, too young to know what was going on.  My daddy rescued me.
Two are better than one.
A teenager, confused, struggling, scared - God sent a camp counselor to speak the Truth to me.
Two are better than one.
In college, trying for the first time to develop a sense of self; to stand on my own two feet - along came a group of girls to give me purpose and friendship.  They called themselves Chi Omega's.
Two are better than one.
After college, chasing down my dream job; a mentor took me under her wing and taught me how to give the gift of language.
Two are better than one.
Along comes young adulthood and the consequences of so many mistakes.  A friend sticks by my side and defines what devotion is.
Two are better than one.
Finally a prince charming.  My dream man.  The love of my life.  My forever best friend.  The white dress and then some.
Two are better than one.
A miracle.  Life.  Two heartbeats in one body.  The moment that changed my identity.
Two are better than one.


All of those moments... all of those memories... plus so many more.  That is God.

The Pursuit of Pleasure

Ecclesiastes 2

This passage is about pleasures "under the sun," or worldly pleasures.  The writer sought to test his heart with pleasure to, "find out what is good." (v. 1b).  He indulged in every kind of pleasure and was left saying in verses 24-25, "A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work.  This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?"   I'm reminded of a sermon I heard not too long ago about the pursuit of idols.  How we spend our entire lives chasing something - wealth, happiness, love, contentment, friendship, acceptance, pleasure, fame, status...   Those that get what they think they desire almost always crumble.  Think of lottery winners.  How many times have you heard of their demise?  It's like they chased the idol of wealth, got what they wished for, and it turned out it was nothing they desired.   Or those in Hollywood.  It's so difficult to "make it" in the acting world and some spend their entire lives trying to be seen.  And a select few do make it - many of those absolutely fall apart once they do.  Think of the scandals, suicides, drug use, etc. we are constantly reading about.  Our hearts have a God-sized hole and we use all kinds of other things to try to fill out - only coming up empty...

Today's assignment:
1.  What pleasures - big and small, evil and seemingly innocent - have you pursued in the past week?
- shopping at target (clothes, make up, baby stuff), 12-month pictures for Holden, zoo trip and season passes, hanging with my best friend, out to eat this weekend, new toys for Holden, new shoes purchase online, dessert, soda, movies at home with Justin, new swing for Holden

2.  What were your motives - good or bad - for pursuing and engaging in those pleasures?  Dig deep and be honest: What meaning were you attempting to get?
- I think shopping fills a void for me a lot of the time.  It's a boredom filler and gives me a temporary spike in adrenaline.  Especially since Holden has been born, my favorite thing is shopping for him.  I love the idea of getting something new for him.  I think it all started when I was little.  My parents were divorced and I went back and forth between my parents houses every week.  My daddy was particularly well off and when things were going badly with my mom, daddy would take me shopping. It got my mind off of the big stuff I was too little to understand.  I remember vividly shopping for new clothes and barbies.  I remember the feeling of happiness and how shopping always made a really bad day so much better.  My motives for shopping this past week varied.  Some purchases were selfish, some were necessary; I saw God's blessings in some pleasures and other times I completely disregarded Him.

3.  What does it mean that you pursue pleasure?  In other words, what lies does pleasure whisper in your ear?
- Pleasure promises an escape from a crappy day or a pick-me-up when I'm bored.  Pleasure tells me that the happy feeling I get when I buy something is real.  Pleasure whispers that I need it all the time.  Pleasure tells me I deserve it...

Today's study encourages me to really examine every pleasure I pursue by considering my motive behind it.  That's a tall order.  But it's good stuff.  I pray that God changes my heart so that I can pursue pleasure in Him.  I want to delight in what He delights in.  Like the teacher in Ecclesiastes says, I know that the rest is all a smoke screen anyway.

Hungry

Proverbs 30:1-9

What a weekend it has been... I spent the better half of these last few days relishing in God's provision and experiencing a great amount of joy in Him!  Life, however, is never without its tests.  Yesterday was a rough one, to say the least.  It appears to me that God continues to give me the opportunity to trust in and rely fully on Him - and my thick skull has a difficult time doing so.

Proverbs 30:8-9 says "Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.  Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God."  My study explains that these verses acknowledge the relationship between our physical and spiritual selves: When full of food, we may feel a false sense of security and disregard our need for God.  When hungry, we may feel our need yet doubt that God will meet it.  There it is - that last line.  That resonates with me.  Hungry.  To me, the idea of hunger equates to constant need.  I'm hungry for freedom from anxiety around the same recurring issue; I'm hungry to feel a lasting sense of joy and peace; I'm hungry to stop worrying all the time; I'm hungry to trust God in the midst of my problems.  I'm hungry for a lot of things - but inevitably, I try to fill that grumbling, rumbling sound in my soul with answers that make sense to me instead of relying on Him.   The question is - can I trust Him to provide?  Or is it my impulse to provide for myself?

It Makes Perfect Cents

Proverbs 22:17-23:11

Proverbs 23:4-5 Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint.  Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle.


Wearing ourselves out... Man, I can relate.  Is anybody else worn out?  It was only a few months ago that I felt like I could have crumbled into a million pieces from sheer exhaustion.  Between work (only part-time), a 7 month old, a sick daddy, cleaning, and groceries - I felt like a robot.  I can barely recall that period of time that passed between when I returned to work when Holden was 7 weeks old and when I quit at 7 months old.  It's like a blur.  It really makes me sad and it's one of those, "I wish I knew then what I know now" moments.

Now, I have to pause for the cause and tell you I'm not judging you if you have to work.  I get it.  If you are happy and you know that God has you where you need to be - Glory be to Him!  I guess my hope in writing this today is to relate to that someone who is feeling exhausted and who feels that God wants something different from them... I hope I can challenge you to look at your budget for the umteenth time...  I hope you can find some freedom in living smaller...

Perspective.  It's all in how you frame your life.  Let me tell you, I have plenty of friends and acquaintances that are very wealthy.  I am talking huge houses, expensive vehicles, private school, the nicest boutique clothes, the best of the best.  And they love the Lord.  So, more power to them!!! But that is not us.  Not even close.  Things are tight.  Reeeealllly tight!  We live in an extremely modest home that is quite small.  Our cars are older and definitely nothing fancy.  Rhea Lana's and Goodwill are some of my favorite shopping spots!  But then there are people all over the world - the majority of the world - who would look at my life and say the same things I said about others' lives to me!  Can you imagine trying to explain to that Honduran family how poor you are as they sit in their dirt shack "house?"  Be careful who you frame your life around.

When I got pregnant, there was no question in my mind that I would continue to work.  None at all.  I never ever saw myself as a stay-at-home kinda gal.   Then that precious baby was born and EVERYTHING CHANGED!  The day kept getting closer and closer - the dreaded day I would have to return to work.  To say it incited anxiety in me is an understatement.  I was an absolute wreck!  To me, there was nothing more painful and excruciating than leaving Holden with someone else.  But Justin and I didn't see a way out.  We looked at our budget a thousand times and there was no wiggle room, so we thought.

As a consequence of that decision, life went south pretty quickly after I went back to work.  Holden kept getting sick and like I mentioned above, I was spent!  Emotionally and physically I was simply unraveling.  My daddy kept getting sicker, too and I just didn't have an ounce of energy left at the end of my days to love on my husband.  In fact, I resented him.  Things got bad enough that we called in our Pastor to counsel us through it.  We looked at our budget again and this time we really prayed for God to give us a way out of this mess.  I left work before we knew how it was all going to work out - with all the faith I could muster. The truck was sold and the cell phone plan dropped.  Justin traded his iPhone for an awesome, state-of-the-art flip phone.  We started living off cash in envelopes.  Our budget for gifts is an astonishing  $10 a month!  Rabbit ears work just fine for us, too.  Funny thing is, we have never been more at peace in our entire lives.   I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am doing what God asked of me.  I have actual time to really read my Bible.  I am able to get out of my bubble and give back to my neighborhood.  I experience life with Holden and I see him develop every single new skill.  I get to serve my husband with a glad heart.  I am able to care for my father.  I'm a better friend.  The benefits... The benefits far outweigh that exhausting, never-ending, uphill climb to have money.

If you want to stay home - pray about it.  First and foremost, be obedient to God.  Let me encourage you that if it's luxuries that are holding you back, girlfriend, it isn't worth it.  If you feel like you can't cut that grocery budget any more than you already have - look at it again.  When you decide that "fun money" is a necessity, rethink what is fun.  If your house payment is too much, think about living smaller.  Buy an older car.  Be cautioned that framing your life against someone else is dangerous territory.  There is always someone else with a bigger house, nicer furniture, and cuter clothes.  It is never ending.   Remember that riches sprout wings like an eagle... Don't spend your precious time and energy chasing that elusive pipe dream.

My study today challenges me to do the following: "Take out your wallet, purse, credit cards, checkbook, and key chain, and hold them in your hands.  As you look at the pile in your hands, keep your eyes open and pray.  Ask your heavenly  Father to help you be a wise steward of all the money and possessions he has entrusted to you.  Every time you pull out your wallet or purse to make a purchase, as yourself the question, Will this purchase be a wise one, and will it honor God?"

Living in the Light

Proverbs 20

Proverbs 20:27 The lamp of the Lord searches the spirit of a man; it searches out his inmost being.

I like the visualization of God being a lamp to our souls...  He searches the darkest parts of our hearts and He brings what seeks to destroy us into the light.  Have you ever tried to navigate your house at night without light?  Even though it's your house, you know where things are, you still find yourself unsure - arms outstretched like a toddler learning to walk for the first time.  You're using your sense of touch to try to orient yourself in this newly unfamiliar world.  Frustrated as you bump into that coffee table, a little nervous as you feel down the hallway, knowing that flashlight is somewhere...

That is Satan - the prince of darkness.  He wants us stumbling over ourselves, unsure of where to turn - even in our own lives.  In Acts 26:18, Jesus told Paul while on the road to Damascus that he was to be a servant and his job was "to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me."  Lets not mince words that the Enemy wants us in the dark.  Secrets, shame, fear... That is NOT GOD.

So many of us are living in the dark.  Maybe not fully, but we are hiding parts of our lives - those secret places, things you don't want others to know about.  Friends, there is so much joy in living in the light.  For me, I struggle with what others' opinions are.  I'm often worried that I will be judged and I won't be liked.   My past is definitely something I try to keep in the dark.  The truth is, though, that God has brought me out of many a treacherous situation, and it's for His glory!  So, I suppose I'll let you in on a tidbit of my story...

Being a kid wasn't easy.  As I grew up, I carried a lot of baggage and generational sin around and that let me into some pretty destructive behavior.  Nonetheless, by 15, I had developed a pattern of codependency on men.  For the following 10 years or so, I repeatedly sought a guy to love - or fix, thinking that would give my life some purpose.  In my mind, if I loved this broken guy enough, then he would get better and then I could be loved... This works-based love scenario never did work out, though.  Obviously, we can't earn love.  Not Godly love.  The result of choosing these men was that I was their emotional punching bag, to say the least.  And if I'm really honest with you, some part of me reveled in being a martyr.  At least I could say that I wasn't at fault... That this guy was sooo bad - look at what he did or said.  That's just another form of pride, though.  Through all of those experiences and keeping the focus on myself, I never really developed my identity in Jesus.  I think that quest is ongoing today.  Praise to God that I married a wonderful, God-fearing man who is teaching me every day what it is like to receive the right kind of love! 

God is still searching out all of the pain hidden in me and though it's often extremely painful to face, I'm healing and more whole in Him.  That is the joy of knowing Christ.  That, my friends, is the difference between walking alone and walking with God.   Stumbling in the dark versus living in the light.  You don't have to have the answers.  In fact, you will never find them on your own.  But this Gentle, Loving, Friend of mine - He has them and He loves you enough to heal those bruised areas of your life; bringing those pieces of your secret life to light, one at a time.  Giving you freedom to really live.  

I, Me, My

Proverbs 18:7-15

Proverbs 18:12 (MSG) Pride first, then the crash, but humility is the precursor to honor.

And today's light and breezy subject is Pride!!!

Begrudgingly, I will tell you about my weekend.  All week long God had been working on me hard.  He was moving and I was repenting and then sinning, and then repenting and learning.  All good stuff. Then came Friday.  Par for the course, my marriage brought up some deep issues that I needed to flesh out with God.  That is just one of the amazingly frustrating but also miraculous benefits to marriage.  Justin and I had a little disagreement and he totally called out my sin - I was repeatedly snapping at him.  Instead of following the instructions of James 1:19, "...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry," I was irritated and quick to let him know what I thought.  When Justin told me how he felt, it crushed me.  It's not that he was off base.  I even knew that he was right.  But nonetheless, I seriously wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there for a week.

Pride.  An excerpt from the Holman Bible dictionary describes pride as, "Pride is rebellion against God because it attributes to self the honor and glory due to God alone... This attitude toward God finds expression in one's attitude toward others, often causing people to have a low estimate of the ability and worth of others and therefore to treat them with either contempt or cruelty."

Following that interaction with him, I proceeded to stay in a funk for another 24 hours.  It seemed like I was in a fog.  I was just constantly verbally abusing myself and unable to even talk to God about it.  This old voice in my head was on repeat, telling me that I was worthless and that I didn't deserve Justin. That voice was instructing me to withdraw instead of leaning in.  "After all," the voice would say, "you're going to mess up anyway.  You're better off by yourself."

I once heard that self-loathing was another form of pride.  When the focus is on yourself, whether you're boasting or hating yourself, you're unable to focus on God.  The Holman Bible dictionary defines humility as, "a personal quality in which an individual shows dependence on God and respect for other persons."  

Eventually, I got to a place of total submission to God and Justin.  The flood of emotions that came out was astonishing - even to me!  At the end of the day, my identity in Jesus is ill-established.  I am overcome with the prideful obsession of beating myself up.  I have an attitude that if I chastise myself enough, you (or God) won't have to, which makes it really difficult to accept constructive criticism.  It also makes it impossible to fully submit to God's will.  That would require me being willing to let Him completely take over and receive all the glory.

So I don't really know what is going to happen here... God's definitely started something.  I get what the problem is, but I have no clue how to proceed.  This self-reliant attitude has got to get torn down, I know that much.  Psalm 10:4 says, "In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God."  Ouch.  Lest we not forget that Satan, himself, was cast down from heaven because of pride (Isaiah 14:12-15).  

Onto this journey, I now embark.
Learning to lean on Him.
The Lover of my Soul
Who desires more for me.
Who loves me enough to want more than
self-involvement.
Self-obessession.
He who loves me enough
to save me from the entangled web of
disgusting
selfish
ignorant

pride.

Words

Proverbs 16:17-33

"... Only 2 things cannot be taken back: time and words...What percentage of your conversations (over the last 24 hours) would you say was positive, encouraging, and uplifting?  What percentage was negative, discouraging, and sarcastic?"

As I recall yesterday and I play the audio tape back of my voice throughout the day, I notice a few things.  After my study, God was on the forefront of my mind.  Yesterday I prayed while in the shower and kept a prayer-versation for a couple of hours.  1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, "pray continually."  To me, this is an ongoing conversation with God in my head.  But the truth is, as I examine myself, I started to talk less and less as the day went on.  The consequences of that separation from Him meant that I sought His well less and less.  I can see how my sustenance ran out the more I began relying on myself.  I was in traffic yesterday as we went to Hobby Lobby.  I was getting so irritated with people.  It started there, I think.  Just a small irritation... Then Justin started texting me about photographers for Holden's birthday.  My irritation grew.  The texts began mounting in frustration and I remember thinking that it could easily turn into an argument.  He called while I was in Hobby Lobby and sure enough, things got heated.  At no point in this series of events did I consider God.  Eventually, things calmed down and we talked when he got home.  But my point is that my day started off with positive and encouraging words but soon thereafter turned...  um, negative.  I was less able to handle a simple miscommunication because my lifeline was getting cut off.  I imagine the necessity of talking to and seeking God is like a pipeline - a water hose, if you will.  When it's fully open, knowledge and peace and wisdom flow freely.  But as I stop talking with Him, the hose pinches off and I'm just running on fumes.  Relying on God is a second-to-second challenge!

"Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (Psalm 119:105 ESV)

"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it.  For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." (Joshua 1:8 ESV)

It's more important than ever for me to be conscious of what I say because I know Holden is paying attention to everything!  What accountability children offer...  I want more than anything for him to be a lover of Christ.  I dream of him chasing Jesus above all else - above his education, above status, above money, even above love.  I want him to do amazing things for God's kingdom.  I know I am charged with training him up in the way he should go, so that even when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).  What a tough job, though.  Sometimes I feel ill equipped to handle the responsibility.

"Moderation is better than muscle, self-control better than political power." Proverbs 16:32 (MSG)

Precious Father, I am broken.  Every day I experience You and receive Your blessings and every day I turn away again.  Like Paul in Romans 7:15,  "I don't understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  I confess that right now, Lord, I feel Your Presence - but I am worried that in a matter of minutes I will turn away again.  Will You help me yield to Your Spirit today?  Will you help me receive victory?  I lay these burdens down at the foot of the cross knowing that is why Jesus died.

Going Against What Looks Right

Proverbs 14:1-22

Proverbs 14:12-13 (MSG) "There's a way of life that looks harmless enough; look again - it leads straight to hell.  Sure, those people appear to be having a good time, but all that laughter will end in heartbreak."

Hello!  How about a warning to start your day off right?!  I think this is a good summary of Western culture.  As a society, we are inundated with "ways of life that look harmless enough."  I would venture to say that I'm probably not even fully aware of the influence that cultural norms have on me.  I think it's safe to say that I struggle with fitting in and keeping up with the proverbial Jones'.  Those stinkin' Jones' people make my life so difficult.  For example (oh, this could ruffle some feathers, so get ready):

I live in Little Rock, Arkansas.  This little big town has every kind of person you can imagine and with all of this diversity comes quite a bit of societal pull.  Holden is only 11 months old (almost), but I'm already preparing for the drama that accompanies the school decisions we will have to make.  I think God is already beginning to prepare my heart for the fight to go against a way of life that everyone else is doing... I hear a lot of talk about the public school system here.  From my observations, if you live in the "right" part of town and are zoned for a "good" school you will be ok until junior high school; that's when everybody just puts their kids in private school.  Now, let me say - I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH PRIVATE SCHOOL... What I'm concerned about is the ramifications of Christians making decisions based on societal influence instead of the leading of the Holy Spirit.  I guess part of me wonders about the need of God-fearing parents on the PTA's of "lower-class" schools and the necessity of children who are earnestly seeking God to befriend the kid whose daddy is in jail....  Is this just pie-in-the-sky thinking?  Honestly, I'd love some feedback...

Why do we "Christians" all look the same?  Why does it feel like we are in a Christian bubble?  What does it really mean to BE the church?  Don't we fall short when all we do is minor philanthropy?  Isn't God bigger?

Ugh, these issues are on my heart alot... (I include myself in the hypocrisy, by the way)

It seems to me that our way of life looks harmless enough... Sure, there's nothing overtly wrong with a $500,000 or $200,000 or insert-whatever-amount house; there's nothing overtly wrong with that Northface jacket, either; or those Uggs; God doesn't say you can't drive a new BMW; He doesn't say you can't put your kid in any darn school you see fit; He doesn't tell us not to go on that vacation; He never said we can't find pleasure in things or people or experiences or whatever!  I'm just curious as to where the line ends and we stop glorifying God in all of that and we start glorifying ourselves?  Food for thought...

At the end of the day, I interpret the Proverbs verse as a warning... I believe that ALL of my decisions should be filtered through what God would have me do and what would be pleasing to Him.  And I know that what God would have me do is entirely different than what God would have you do.  I pray that I am brave enough to accept whatever challenge he offers because the reward of obedience is great and the consequence of making decisions just to fit in leads straight to hell.

Shut Your Mouth, Child!

Proverbs 10

Let me start today be telling you that I am going to be intentionally vague on this particular topic.  I've been wrestling with the call to be transparent with this blog, but also the duty to be respectful of those in my life with whom I may have disputes.  So, in an effort to protect the other party, I am forced to use discretion in the sharing of details. Honestly, it's really a good thing - discretion.  It means I have to focus on myself... Which is where I should be, anyway.

There's been an ongoing feud in my life over the past few months.  It has surely taken its toll on everyone involved, but I assume God has more in store, as the dissension resurfaced yesterday.  To say that I reacted is an understatement.  

I really feel like I feel more than the average person... Is that a woman thing?  Or me?  Anyway, I felt my feelings yesterday in a big way.  I'm completely exhausted over dealing with this recurring situation.  So, in my prayer time this morning, I brought it to God (again).  Today He was very clear with me.  Among other things, I felt Him saying, "I know you want to withdraw, but I am giving you the opportunity to show MY love.  This isn't about you, Meagan.  Keep your mouth, shut!" Then I started today's study on self-examination.  I said to myself, "you have got to be kidding me."  God's Word never fails to be relevant, that's for sure.  As I read through Proverbs 10, the words of Solomon that most stuck out to me were in verse 19.  "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise."  Following that, I read the instructions of my study, which were to read today's passage aloud in front of the mirror, and then to stand there, motionless.  (sounded weird to me, too) Nonetheless, I complied.  Again, my view continued to dart back to my mouth.  No matter where else I tried to focus my gaze, my eyes kept looking back at my lips.  hmmmmm

"Ok, ok - I HEAR YOU GOD!"

Today, Paul's voice in Romans 7:21-24 echoes in my head. "... when I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.  What a wretched man I am!..."

I would say that God is pretty darn active in my life - praise be to Him!  But make no mistake, I dropped His commands so fast yesterday, it made my head spin.   How quick I am to resort back to being a prisoner in my own body.  I am grateful for God's encouragement in Romans 8:18 that "our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us," and in verse 28, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purposes."

I have to claim God's sovereignty over this situation.  He is in control and is working GOOD out of it!  I'm called to keep my chatty mouth shut so that He can be glorified.  Amen!  Would you be praying for me to be wise in this area?  It seems like an impossible feat - for me to be quiet.

A Little Stumbling on this Road of Wisdom

Proverbs 7-8

It's happening again... God is coming at me with the same message over and over every time I open His Word.  Have you ever experienced this?  It's nuts!  And frankly, kind of annoying... See, I have convinced myself that I want to change the parts of me that aren't pleasing to God, but when the proverbial rubber meets the road - it's a different story, altogether.  It is tough to see my sin as God sees it.  But also incredibly freeing to know that He provides a way out of it.

Now I get to be transparent with you again... I hate this part.

I have an amazing husband.  Like, seriously amazing.  He is a living, breathing, walking example of how God changes people.  That's his story to tell, though.   Last weekend, my precious husband surprised me with tickets to Cirque de Soleil (a dream of mine).  He didn't stop there, though.  He also scheduled a manicure the day before and set up dinner at  one of our favorite restaurants.  On top of all that, he called my mom and arranged for her to come up to keep Holden so we could go out.  (I told you he was amazing... and he does this sort of thing all the time)

Anyways, we were out having a fantastic time.  We got to the doors of the stadium and one of the tickets is missing.  Do I offer an ounce of grace?  A tiny bit of help or compassion? Do I support him at all? Of course not!  What do I do?  I proceed to act like a spoiled brat, that's what I do.  (Now, I must interject here that I don't want to condemn myself, but I have to be honest.  And I really am sorry for my behavior.)  Long story short, someone found our ticket (ummm, God?) and we enjoyed the show after I groveled and cried and apologized.  He, of course, didn't blink and forgave me even before I asked.

As I read Proverbs 7 about the foolish man, I thought of myself and my foolish behaviors.  No, I wasn't lured into adultery, but I was easily ensnared into the trap of pride and selfishness.  I want to change.  And I guess this is the process...

This week, I learned through the Beth Moore study, Living Beyond Yourself, that in Genesis 1:2 that the Holy Spirit acted as Energizer in the creation story.  I also saw the Trinity in a new light.  The Father has willed a way for me, the Son has extended His Word, and the Holy Spirit provides a way for humans to perform godly tasks.  So when Proverbs 8:33 says, "listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it," I see the correlation as the Holy Spirit enables me to do what is right in God's eyes.  At least, that is my hope.

Precious Lord, make me wise!  I see the error of my ways and I am so sorry.  I ask in your Precious Name that the Holy Spirit come alive in me and help me to do what is right in Your eyes.  May my life and subsequent change be a living testimony of Your grace and goodness!

What Appears to be Hardship...

Proverbs 4:10-5:14

Today's assignment in Proverbs reminds me to keep in mind that the "adulteress" in this passage refers to anything that seduces, sucks me in, misleads me, or even corrupts me.  What has caused me to squander days of my life and leave me full of regret? Uhhhhh - there are so many things I regret.  I regret the choice to walk away from living a life in Jesus and the trouble that ensued.  I regret being angry - spending so much of my existence processing everything through this cover emotion.  I regret taking that anger out on my precious husband and the people closest to me. I regret over reacting in general and how foolish I appear to others.  I regret wasting my money on things that I thought would make me happy (materialism).  I regret losing friends because I thought boys were my answer.  This list could go on an on...

Today's passages remind me to stay away from the aforementioned "adulteress." Things of this world like possessions, alcohol, drugs, even some people can lure me away from Jesus.  I love when God keeps hammering away at me.  This idea of idols has come up over and over in our house.  It's easy to remove ourselves from the idea of idols - like they are statues.  But an idol is anything that keeps us away from God; anything that gets more of our attention than God.  I have a million idols - my iPhone, the TV, even my husband and baby, sometimes.  Proverbs 4:23 says, "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  God's Word reminds me that I don't want to live a life of regret wishing I had embraced God's discipline as loving.  Justin and I were discussing this idea that God allows what appears to be discipline or hardship in our lives; but this hardship is actually the act of a loving God.  For instance, a few months ago, Justin and I were really arguing a LOT - like, we were getting concerned to the point of calling in our pastor for some counseling.  In the moment, I could not understand why God wouldn't just repair whatever was going on... I mean, we prayed about it and sought His Word - why wouldn't He just fix it?!  Through our pastor, we discovered that the root of all that arguing was my need to define my role as a wife and mother.  I felt extremely overextended because I was still devoting so much energy to my job.  I'm an extremely intense person and I found it impossible to leave work at work.  It was affecting everything.  Our pastor encouraged us to evaluate what was important.  We had already been discussing my leaving work, but just didn't see a way out.  We had reviewed our budget a hundred times but we NEEDED my income.  We had already eliminated cable, cut groceries (no more organic for the Liebers), and sliced our fun money.  When we looked again, we realized that Justin's truck had to go.  If we didn't have that payment, we could make ends meet... I quit within that week - even before the truck was sold.  The day after I resigned, the truck sold and we had another. That is God, people! So, our Loving God let us have those arguments so that we could ultimately seek His will in my resignation.  Financially, this was a HUGE leap of faith and we were forced to trust Him.  But that season was one of our most fruitful, also.  In our culture, we seek ease and comfort.  You know, everything we do seems to center around looking for a fast and easy way out.  Sometimes, I think we forget the peace of a hard-earned lesson.  Galations 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."  

Wisdom

Proverbs 2:1-3:24

Wisdom is today's central theme.  The assignment is to consider what it would be like to pursue wisdom with all your might.  First, let's define it.  My study Bible says "the basic idea behind wisdom is skill...  The book of Proverbs uses the word wisdom to speak of the skill of living in a way that honors God..."  Proverbs 2 tells us to turn our ears to wisdom; to apply our hearts to understanding; to call out for insight; to cry aloud for understanding.  The Scripture goes on to say that we should "search for it as for hidden treasure."  The common link is action - the verbs in this Scripture aren't passive.

turn, apply, call out, cry aloud, search

In my mind, I assumed wisdom was one of those things that just happened to you when you got old.  Wisdom was a nice way of describing a person who had been through a lot and had good advice to give you.  Words of wisdom were given by your grandpa.  The idea to pursue it means that it's something to be achieved.  How exciting!

How can one obtain wisdom?

After Solomon asks God for wisdom and knowledge, God's response in 2 Chronicles 1:11-  is, "Since this is your heart's desire and you have not asked for wealth, riches or honor, nor asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you."

Ok - so, one would deduce that you need to ask for wisdom.  That makes sense, after all, considering God's in charge of everything.  It's interesting to note that God pointed out that Solomon didn't ask to be rich or honored or to live a long life.  His heart's desire was truly for wisdom.  So, not only should we ask for wisdom, but we should also be checking our heart's desire.  Often times, I notice that I might pray and even think Biblically, but my heart is bent on rebellion.  I constantly have to check my true desires and dig to make sure I'm wanting God's approval above all else.  I will be very honest and confess that my heart really loves other people's approval - my husband, my parents, other professionals, my friends... Pretty much everyone else.  Galations 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."  Right now I am doing the Beth Moore study, Living Beyond Yourself.  This week I learned that the greek word for please is aresko and it means to fit, to gratify, to accommodate oneself to, or to be acceptable.  I think it would be beneficial to me to check myself by asking if I'm trying to fit in or gratify someone else... Am I trying to be accepted or please God?  Am I accommodating to someone else?  Scripture doesn't mince any words here. When I am trying to fit in and seek others' approval - I AM NOT A SERVANT OF CHRIST.  ouch.

Matthew 7:24 says, "everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock."  So, wisdom would also include hearing God's word and putting it into practice.  I want my house, my life to be built the rock of God's word.

Lord, give me wisdom!  I confess that my heart desires things of this world all the time.  Change me!  Make me a servant for you.  I understand that means I will stand out - I will look different.  Help me to seek your approval instead of everyone else's because I don't even know where to start.

Ya'll know what happens when you ask God for these things, right?  He will give me the opportunity to trust Him on this...  I'll keep you updated.

Big

Psalm 148

I was never one of those people that had a love for the psalms.  Truly, I don't mean that disrespectfully, it's just that I am a thinker, type A kinda girl.  So, all the feely, emotionally charged words of the psalmists kinda made it hard for me to focus.  That's one of the beauties of this Bible study - without spoon feeding me, it encourages a deeper and more introspective look at God's Word.

I need to rewind just a bit so you will understand the power in how God moved today.   A few weeks ago, this same study challenged me to start a new habit that would be glorifying to God; something every day.  So, I began making it a point to pray on my knees every morning.  This morning, I was on my knees in the kitchen.  Isn't prayer a wonderful thing?  I mean, God knows my heart even better than me, but in prayer He communicates with me.  For those that don't believe, this sounds nuts.  It should - because it is supernatural and amazing.  Anyway, I'm on my knees and as I start talking to God, I realize that I'm totally bogged down by the laundry list of stuff going on in my life.  So He changed my focus.  Instead of communicating with Him about my stuff, I began recounting His glory.  I started thinking about his "bigness..."  How my life was only a second, really; a minuscule blurb in time.  All this stuff going on, these problems that I have, He knows them and He knows they matter to me, but ultimately finding Him in each one of those issues is the solution, in and of itself.

End scene on that awesome prayer time.

I started my study and Psalm 148 is on today's agenda.  I immediately chuckled out loud because it's essentially my prayer.   God's awesome like that.  The study challenged me to really spend some time meditating on the vividness of the passage and to visualize all the creatures of the earth.  Finally, I was supposed to pick the attribute of God that was most powerful after this prayer and meditation time.

big  

/big/

Adjective Of considerable size, extent, or intensity.

Noun The major league in a professional sport.

Synonyms large - great - grand - high - bulky - important

The attribute of God that stands out to me today is his bigness.  His infinite ability.  His everywhere-ness and everything-ness.  His inescapable and incomparable giant-ness; and in comparison to my small-ness, nothing else matters. 

I'm laying down my stuff at the foot of the cross today.

Coffee With a Dash of Conviction

Psalm 145

My study this morning points out the repetition of the words "all" and "every" in this psalm.  The instructions are to think about who all might include that I've never considered before.

Verses:
9 - God is good and has compassion to all He made
10 - All will praise Him
12 - So all men will know of His mighty acts
13 - God's dominion endures through all generations; God is faithful to all His promises; He is loving towards all He made
14 - God upholds all who fall and all who are bowed down
15 - The eyes of all look to God
16 - God satisfies the desires of every living thing
17 - The Lord is righteous in all His ways; loving toward all He made
18 - The Lord is near to all who call Him
20 - God watches over all who love Him; destroys all the wicked

I think it's easy to imagine that God is compassionate and loving towards "good christians."  It's much more difficult to imagine God loving the bad... It's much harder for me to imagine God loving people who hurt children, people who murder, people who steal, people who have turned their back on Him.
The hard truth is, though, I'm not better than those people.  James 2:10 says, "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." My haughty, self-rightous, pious attitude so often tells me that I am better than those people.  It's a tough pill to swallow when I realize I am one of those people.  We all are.  If we could just wake up and realize we aren't any better. Wouldn't we show more compassion instead of judgment?

We Christians today love to hear the sound of our own voices. We love to tout Bible verses to all the sinners out there.  You can't turn on the TV or read your facebook news feed without one of us Christians condemning the sins of another.  We mask it with politics or righteousness, but really, it's sin and pride.  Remember the Chick-fil-A scandal?  I purposely kept quiet, but I was totally saddened at the  reactions of my brothers and sisters in Christ...  Instead of sharing God's love, grace, or compassion, we literally lined up and persecuted people.  And people's disrespect towards our president is shameful.  I'm not saying you have to agree with President Obama, but Romans 13:1-2 (emphasis mine) says, "Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities.  For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God.  Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves."  When we react in a volatile way to various social and political issues, we are indicating fear - that we don't trust that God really does have all of this under control!

Humility...

The second part of today's lesson asks which phrases stand out most about God's goodness.  Verses 4-6 resonate with me because I want to be a part of getting God's story out.  I want to tell others about the glorious splendor of His majesty.  I would be honored to have someone hear my story as a testament to God's awesome works and great deeds.  Jesus' great commission is really important to me (Matthew 28:18-20).  To make disciples of all nations...and to teach others to obey everything He commanded us - I want to be a part of that.

A Father's Love

Psalm 139

Verse 1 says, "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me."  He knows everything about my life and the psalm goes on to say in verse 12 that, "even the darkness will not be dark to you..."  I find great comfort in knowing that God already knows me fully - I cannot hide from Him.  I don't have to put on an act or pretend to be anyone that I'm not.  He knows my past and my future and He "hems me in" like stitching in fabric.

I know this to be true because I have experienced my share of darkness.  There was a time that I was so lost in sin that I thought I'd escaped God - I thought I could bathe in self-pity and immerse myself in things that the world told me would make the pain go away.  God's love was so great that He let me go there - to that dark place.  He let me go because He knew I would return with a renewed zeal for Him.

He didn't let me go alone, though. 

I remember being pretty deeply entrenched during this season of my life, but God was still there in the form of a friend who didn't let me push her away.  My junk, my crap, my sin didn't scare her and she didn't judge me.  I know she was deeply saddened by my willful disobedience, but she didn't lecture me.  She didn't pretend to be ok with what I was doing, either - but she was obedient to God's calling as a friend to me at that time.  So when David says in verse 8, "... if I make my bed in the depths, you are there," I can relate.

Verses 23 & 24 are some of my very favorites. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Those words - "test me." I know that God gives me these opportunities to bring my "anxious thoughts" to Him so that He can get me through it.  Already this morning my daddy has called...

(I digress for back story)  My dad is 82 years old and has Parkinson's Disease.  He lives at home in Stuttgart by himself.  His Parkinson's is quite advanced and he is quite the stubborn one, which makes for an exciting adventure trying to convince him of what he needs to do.   Since having the baby 10 months ago, I have found it increasingly difficult to juggle being the daughter my daddy needs and the wife and mother my family needs.  It's a constant struggle for me.Ok, back to the testing... Daddy is "stuck" again.  Since his Parkinson's is so advanced, he often get stuck in various places at the house, meaning he literally can't get his legs to do what his mind is telling them to do.  (must be beyond frustrating).  When this happens, he calls me to get him some help.  Invariably, this incites some anxiety for me because I am an hour away and there's really not a lot I can do!  Nonetheless, I've called physical therapists, nurses, aids and family members this morning looking for some help with no avail.  Now is one of those times I need to trust God.  Everything in me wants to freak out - get mad - get sad - get something... But there's nothing more I can do right now, so I'm trying desperately to trust that God will take care of daddy.