It's Not Fair

Isaiah 52:13-53:12

Familiar verses and the cornerstone of what Christians believe.  As Isaiah prophecies Jesus' death proclaiming, "He was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." 

"To be broken to pieces, bruised, crushed...the most severe inward and outward sufferings. The meaning is, that he was under such a weight of sorrows on account of our sins, that he was, as it were, crushed to the earth." bible.cc/isaiah/35-5.htm

The sum of all our sins, from every one of us, heaped on Jesus in his mortal state at once.  Can you imagine? Verse 12 goes on to say, "he will divide the spoils with the strong."  The King shares his spoils of victory with us - those whose sins crushed Him.

My study challenges me to live with the thought that "Jesus died without a thought for his own welfare...Try living that selflessly a few minutes at a time."  I'm not sure I do much of anything selflessly.  I mean, think about it - almost everything we do benefits us in some way, right?  And I don't know about you, but when I'm not treated fairly, somebody is going to hear about it.

Fairness.

That's hilarious when juxtapose the notion with Christ's death.  What if for a small moment today we stop being obsessed with fairness?  What would that look like for you?  Our culture is obsessed with fairness.

But, it's not fair that He died for my sins when He didn't deserve it.

It's just not fair.

Relying on Horses

Isaiah 31

"Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses..."

Egypt was strong and known for their military defense.  Having many horses and chariots meant that they had a strong military.  As Israel sought to arm themselves with what seemed like the smart thing to do - to go seek help from Egypt, God warns that they, "do not look to the Holy One of Israel or seek help from the Lord," and He reminds them that, "the Egyptians are men and not God; their horses flesh and not spirit."


Oh, how relevant this is for me right now.   I am majorly struggling with God's sovereignty.  On some level, I really do get it.  But on a much deeper, more meaningful level - the level in which I must function on a day to day basis, I do not get it at all.   Despite all that God has saved me from, the events of my life and those around me that are nothing short of miracles - I still struggle with understanding that He is in charge.  He's got this.

See, my tendency is to take control.  It's rooted in a traumatic childhood.  Some sort of protection that I developed long ago.  When things don't seem like they are working out, I panic - fight or flight kicks in.  And to save myself, I try to control the variables of the situation.

God is actively working to save me from this "horse" of control.  It's incredibly painful.  I cannot fully express how unhappy I've been feeling all of the sudden.  Just this apathy and begrudging attitude about life.  I know He is changing me - it just doesn't always feel good.  The truth is, though, that I see the clouds breaking.  That's the active part of God's word.  When I'm in the Bible, when I seek Truth, the apathy starts melting.  It's not gone, I'll admit.  But I know and believe and trust that He's not done and this is for my good.

Why do we only turn to God for help as a last resort?

What are your horses?

In Crisis Mode

It's been a rough few days.  I suspect that I am in an intense time of discipline and refinement by our Lord and Savior.  This is not an easy time, and it's taken me a few days to even to open my Bible because I've been quite angry with Him.  I know we aren't supposed to admit that, but I am going to.  I fully expect that He will use my disobedience to His glory.  

I will give just a bit of back story - only because I vowed to be transparent on here...  God presented a challenge to me in terms of my prayer life.  It was simple, really - to pray with hope and expectation.  I honestly thought I was doing that, but it turns out that I was really off base.   I prayed my prayers in a new way.  I asked for what I wanted - with specifics.  This weekend I prayed and He didn't answer.  At least now how I thought He should or how I wanted.  And it made me question everything.  I felt abandoned.  I felt foolish.  I was angry.

And now I'm here.  A little more clarity, but definitely not at a place that I feel at peace.  He's refining me.  For me, it's about control and protection.  In an effort to protect myself, I control everything - including Him.  (Well, I know I can't control God, but I've been trying.)  In my mind, if I didn't pray for specifics, I was safe from Him not answering the way I wanted Him to.  Does that make sense?  Essentially, I've been keeping God in a box.  My box.  I have been existing in my little box of control and God is attempting to pry the door open.  As the breeze drifts in, I am utterly shaken to my core.  To say I'm scared is an understatement.  I feel exposed.  Vulnerable.  He is completely redefining who He is to me - a necessary change if I want to continue growing in Him.

So, right now, I'm wrestling with His love and what that looks like.  I'm learning to trust Him - really trust Him - with my desires.  And I'm learning that His sovereignty trumps my control, whether or not I like it.

Hard lessons.  

To be continued...

Hebrews 12:5-11

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.  Endure hardship as discipline: God is treating you as sons.  For what son is not disciplined by his father?  If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it.  How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!  Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.