In Crisis Mode

It's been a rough few days.  I suspect that I am in an intense time of discipline and refinement by our Lord and Savior.  This is not an easy time, and it's taken me a few days to even to open my Bible because I've been quite angry with Him.  I know we aren't supposed to admit that, but I am going to.  I fully expect that He will use my disobedience to His glory.  

I will give just a bit of back story - only because I vowed to be transparent on here...  God presented a challenge to me in terms of my prayer life.  It was simple, really - to pray with hope and expectation.  I honestly thought I was doing that, but it turns out that I was really off base.   I prayed my prayers in a new way.  I asked for what I wanted - with specifics.  This weekend I prayed and He didn't answer.  At least now how I thought He should or how I wanted.  And it made me question everything.  I felt abandoned.  I felt foolish.  I was angry.

And now I'm here.  A little more clarity, but definitely not at a place that I feel at peace.  He's refining me.  For me, it's about control and protection.  In an effort to protect myself, I control everything - including Him.  (Well, I know I can't control God, but I've been trying.)  In my mind, if I didn't pray for specifics, I was safe from Him not answering the way I wanted Him to.  Does that make sense?  Essentially, I've been keeping God in a box.  My box.  I have been existing in my little box of control and God is attempting to pry the door open.  As the breeze drifts in, I am utterly shaken to my core.  To say I'm scared is an understatement.  I feel exposed.  Vulnerable.  He is completely redefining who He is to me - a necessary change if I want to continue growing in Him.

So, right now, I'm wrestling with His love and what that looks like.  I'm learning to trust Him - really trust Him - with my desires.  And I'm learning that His sovereignty trumps my control, whether or not I like it.

Hard lessons.  

To be continued...

Hebrews 12:5-11

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.  Endure hardship as discipline: God is treating you as sons.  For what son is not disciplined by his father?  If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it.  How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!  Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.