A Father's Love

Psalm 139

Verse 1 says, "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me."  He knows everything about my life and the psalm goes on to say in verse 12 that, "even the darkness will not be dark to you..."  I find great comfort in knowing that God already knows me fully - I cannot hide from Him.  I don't have to put on an act or pretend to be anyone that I'm not.  He knows my past and my future and He "hems me in" like stitching in fabric.

I know this to be true because I have experienced my share of darkness.  There was a time that I was so lost in sin that I thought I'd escaped God - I thought I could bathe in self-pity and immerse myself in things that the world told me would make the pain go away.  God's love was so great that He let me go there - to that dark place.  He let me go because He knew I would return with a renewed zeal for Him.

He didn't let me go alone, though. 

I remember being pretty deeply entrenched during this season of my life, but God was still there in the form of a friend who didn't let me push her away.  My junk, my crap, my sin didn't scare her and she didn't judge me.  I know she was deeply saddened by my willful disobedience, but she didn't lecture me.  She didn't pretend to be ok with what I was doing, either - but she was obedient to God's calling as a friend to me at that time.  So when David says in verse 8, "... if I make my bed in the depths, you are there," I can relate.

Verses 23 & 24 are some of my very favorites. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Those words - "test me." I know that God gives me these opportunities to bring my "anxious thoughts" to Him so that He can get me through it.  Already this morning my daddy has called...

(I digress for back story)  My dad is 82 years old and has Parkinson's Disease.  He lives at home in Stuttgart by himself.  His Parkinson's is quite advanced and he is quite the stubborn one, which makes for an exciting adventure trying to convince him of what he needs to do.   Since having the baby 10 months ago, I have found it increasingly difficult to juggle being the daughter my daddy needs and the wife and mother my family needs.  It's a constant struggle for me.Ok, back to the testing... Daddy is "stuck" again.  Since his Parkinson's is so advanced, he often get stuck in various places at the house, meaning he literally can't get his legs to do what his mind is telling them to do.  (must be beyond frustrating).  When this happens, he calls me to get him some help.  Invariably, this incites some anxiety for me because I am an hour away and there's really not a lot I can do!  Nonetheless, I've called physical therapists, nurses, aids and family members this morning looking for some help with no avail.  Now is one of those times I need to trust God.  Everything in me wants to freak out - get mad - get sad - get something... But there's nothing more I can do right now, so I'm trying desperately to trust that God will take care of daddy.

This is daddy with Holden when he was 12 days old.  Daddy couldn't make it up our front steps so I brought Holden to the truck so they could meet for the first time.

Heavenly Father - I am eternally grateful that you love me enough to send light when it's pitch black darkness in my life.  And still, Lord, I confess that I tiptoe back into the cesspool of sin constantly.  I circle back and forth trying to control and steal Your glory.  I am so sorry, God.  I confess with my mouth that YOU are Lord and are in control of yesterday, today and tomorrow.  Will you help my daddy today?  Will you give me peace, knowing You love me enough to care for me and provide for my every need?