Like a child

Psalm 131

It's only 3 verses.

The insanely powerful words of God can bring me to tears in only 3 verses.

"O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; Nor do I involve myself in great matters, or in things too difficult for me.  Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, my soul is like a weaned child within me.  O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever."

Now, at first, I was like, "Ok, that was good... But, I don't really feel God saying anything."  I felt a push to keep digging.  So I read a few different versions of this Scripture from NIV and the Message.  I even listened to my iPhone app of the James-Earl-Jones-esque narrator reading the KJV version.  Still, good stuff, but no mountains moving.  I continue digging...  I googgled some commentaries and then - it happened.  That magical moment when God allows Scripture to come alive and change you.   YES LORD!

(commentary paraphrased from biblestudytools.com) "It is no easy thing to quiet yourself... We are clamorous, uneasy, petulant; and nothing but grace can make us quiet under afflictions, irritation and disappointments."  The commentary goes on to say that, "it is a blessed mark of growth out of spiritual infancy when we can forego the joys which once appeared to be essential, and can find our solace in him who denies them to us..."

And up onto my soapbox I climb...

I've been wrestling with how real I plan on getting with this blog... How transparent am I realllly going to be?  After all, I do have an image to maintain.  I am a professional - what if they think less of me?  What if I lose friends?  What if people see me for...who...I...really...am?????

The cobwebs of my past are flashing in front of me now.  I say I've never been ashamed of my "story" because, really - it's God's story.  He has all the glory to redeem and change me!  But, truthfully, I'm ashamed.  I'm embarrassed.  Does anyone else struggle, here?  My story isn't smooth.   I saw things and experienced sin that many of my closest friends and people in my circle have never seen.  The fact that I look like a mainstreamed good girl, God-loving, church-going, southern, stay-at-home-mama now is nothing short of a MIRACLE! Believe me - I know with certainty that "nothing but grace can make us quiet under afflictions..." and I know the difficulty of "foregoing the joys which once appeared to be essential..." and I live the peace of "finding solace in HIM who DENIES" what once had the veil of joy.

The author of this psalm says in verse 2, "... like a weaned child is my soul within me." A weaned child.   Since I'm nursing my baby, I get the power of this verse.  A baby needs his mama.  God made it that way and it is beautiful and exhausting and incredible.  But at some point, that baby has to wean.  He has to learn and grow and mature and eat at the table with everyone else... I don't know that I'm spiritually weaned, but man am I jealous for that!  I am salivating at the thought of being content knowing that God's provision will come.  Bring on that maturity, Lord!  It's the process of being weaned that is difficult.  Just like the commentary author says, "the child is denied his comfort, and therefore frets and worries... He is facing his first great sorrow and is sore in distress.  Yet time brings not only alleviations, but the ending of the conflict." Each battle; each difficulty; each hurdle we cross brings us closer to the table of God - spiritually weaning us into a mature and quiet relationship with Him.