I, Me, My

Proverbs 18:7-15

Proverbs 18:12 (MSG) Pride first, then the crash, but humility is the precursor to honor.

And today's light and breezy subject is Pride!!!

Begrudgingly, I will tell you about my weekend.  All week long God had been working on me hard.  He was moving and I was repenting and then sinning, and then repenting and learning.  All good stuff. Then came Friday.  Par for the course, my marriage brought up some deep issues that I needed to flesh out with God.  That is just one of the amazingly frustrating but also miraculous benefits to marriage.  Justin and I had a little disagreement and he totally called out my sin - I was repeatedly snapping at him.  Instead of following the instructions of James 1:19, "...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry," I was irritated and quick to let him know what I thought.  When Justin told me how he felt, it crushed me.  It's not that he was off base.  I even knew that he was right.  But nonetheless, I seriously wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there for a week.

Pride.  An excerpt from the Holman Bible dictionary describes pride as, "Pride is rebellion against God because it attributes to self the honor and glory due to God alone... This attitude toward God finds expression in one's attitude toward others, often causing people to have a low estimate of the ability and worth of others and therefore to treat them with either contempt or cruelty."

Following that interaction with him, I proceeded to stay in a funk for another 24 hours.  It seemed like I was in a fog.  I was just constantly verbally abusing myself and unable to even talk to God about it.  This old voice in my head was on repeat, telling me that I was worthless and that I didn't deserve Justin. That voice was instructing me to withdraw instead of leaning in.  "After all," the voice would say, "you're going to mess up anyway.  You're better off by yourself."

I once heard that self-loathing was another form of pride.  When the focus is on yourself, whether you're boasting or hating yourself, you're unable to focus on God.  The Holman Bible dictionary defines humility as, "a personal quality in which an individual shows dependence on God and respect for other persons."  

Eventually, I got to a place of total submission to God and Justin.  The flood of emotions that came out was astonishing - even to me!  At the end of the day, my identity in Jesus is ill-established.  I am overcome with the prideful obsession of beating myself up.  I have an attitude that if I chastise myself enough, you (or God) won't have to, which makes it really difficult to accept constructive criticism.  It also makes it impossible to fully submit to God's will.  That would require me being willing to let Him completely take over and receive all the glory.

So I don't really know what is going to happen here... God's definitely started something.  I get what the problem is, but I have no clue how to proceed.  This self-reliant attitude has got to get torn down, I know that much.  Psalm 10:4 says, "In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God."  Ouch.  Lest we not forget that Satan, himself, was cast down from heaven because of pride (Isaiah 14:12-15).  

Onto this journey, I now embark.
Learning to lean on Him.
The Lover of my Soul
Who desires more for me.
Who loves me enough to want more than
self-involvement.
Self-obessession.
He who loves me enough
to save me from the entangled web of
disgusting
selfish
ignorant

pride.